


Paranoia

by Gaysoundsaboutright



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders as Paranoia, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Dark Side, Unsympathetic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:28:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25608871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gaysoundsaboutright/pseuds/Gaysoundsaboutright
Summary: I'm exhausted."--don't worry Thomas! We will defeat this foul beast of fear! And then we can--"The words fade in and out, blurring together, all I'm really thinking about is the thin rope bridge hanging over the raging rapids that they want to try and cross."You can't cross that bridge Thomas!" I snap at him, ignoring Roman. "It'll break and you'll fall and you'll drown!!""The others crossed it just fine!" Roman argues."But what if Thomas falls?! It'd be far too easy for him to just slip and fall!""But we'll look like cowards!""Better to be a coward than dead!"
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	Paranoia

I'm exhausted. 

"--don't worry Thomas! We will defeat this foul beast of fear! And then we can--" 

The words fade in and out, blurring together, all I'm really thinking about is the thin rope bridge hanging over the raging rapids that they want to try and  _ cross _ . 

"You can't cross that bridge Thomas!" I snap at him, ignoring Roman. "It'll  _ break _ and you'll  _ fall _ and you'll  _ drown _ !!" 

"The others crossed it just fine!" Roman argues. 

"But what if Thomas falls?! It'd be far too easy for him to just slip and fall!" 

"But we'll look like cowards!" 

"Better to be a coward than  _ dead _ !" I shriek. Oh god where's Logan when you need him?! At least he would understand that this is a bad idea, right?? 

"It won't break! Besides, we'll be a laughing stock if we don't--" 

Thomas nods, I think. I barely suppress a weak cry as pain spasms through my body. I have to protect him, but he isn't  _ listening _ !!! 

"Yes!" Roman grins, drawing his katana and waving it wildly and it's sharp sharp sharp sharp dangerous dangerous-- "Come on Thomas! We can defeat him together! Just take another step!" 

Wait-- Another?!? He'll fall! The rope is old and the rope will break or he'll slip and he'll fall and he can swim but the current will pull him away and he'll drown oh god are those dark shapes rocks?!?

"Get off it!!  **Now!!!** " I scream, voice lapsing into my tempest tongue. 

"... No." 

Another jolt of pain, and I double over in agony, not that anyone sees, since I'm hiding in my room. 

" **What?!?** " 

"No." Thomas decides. "I'm going to conquer my fears."

" **I** **_am_ ** **your fears! And I will not let you** **_get_ ** **yourself** **_killed_ ** **for a** **_dare_ ** **!!** " 

More pain as Thomas takes yet another step, and I bare my fangs. 

" **Those are rapids!! You'll drown!!!** "

"Thomas can swim, it'll be fine--" Roman brushes me off. 

" **You'll drown!!"** I repeat, hysterical now and oh god the pain make it stop make it stop make it stop please please please--

"Oh be quiet emo nightmare!" Roman snaps. "Look, he's gotten over the bridge already!  _ Without _ falling. It was fine!" 

" **He'll have to cross it again to get back.** " I hiss at him. I'm lying on the ground of my room by now, mind going fuzzy and numb from the agony. I'm  _ barely _ able to maintain the connection with Thomas. " **And his parents are going to kill him for sneaking out! And if they find out--** " 

Thomas takes a deep breath, shaking himself off and pushing me away. He high fives one of his friends and I find I simply don't have the strength to fight back. 

\---

I'm still exhausted. But now. It's  _ worse _ . I can physically  _ feel _ the strength surging through me, and by god it hurts!

… It hurts. Thomas doesn't even  _ care _ . It hurts so bad. Thomas thinks  _ I'm _ the bad guy. It's suffocating me. Thomas wants me  _ gone _ . I can barely breathe for the pain. But I  _ need _ to protect him. I claw at my too tight skin, leaving thin red lines. But he doesn't  _ listen _ . 

I  _ know  _ why it hurts. I can see it in Thomas's memories. After I passed out, Thomas did many things.  _ Dangerous _ things. He got  _ drunk _ at one point. Took a few dares that somehow didn't kill him.  _ He  _ raced _ his friend back across the rope bridge. _ It's a  _ miracle _ he isn't dead. 

But there shouldn't have been a  _ need  _ for a miracle to begin with.  _ I _ should have stopped him. I shouldn't have let him cross the bridge. I shouldn't have let him sneak out. I shouldn't have let him get  _ invited _ to begin with. 

I'm not  _ meant _ to contain so much energy all at once. I was meant to  _ use  _ it, not let it fester and build up. I was supposed to take full control. I was supposed to  _ protect _ him. But I was  _ weak _ . I wanted him to have fun, be  _ happy _ . I figured he'd be miserable if he had to worry about everything I worry about. And maybe he will be. 

But he'll be  _ alive  _ to be miserable. It's one or the other, it seems. The balance I've tried to strike for  _ years _ doesn't  _ exist _ . 

I'm  _ done _ being weak. 

\---

"That was awesome!! And did you see the way I--" 

"Almost died?" 

Roman lets out a very unprincely scream, striking at me with his sword. Normally, I let it slide. I just duck and continue as if he didn't try to kill me. Not today. I summon a sword of my own, disarming him in two quick moves. He immediately bends down to pick it up, exposing his neck to me, not that the fool even  _ realises _ . 

"You weren't even  _ holding _ it right." I comment. 

" _ You _ don't even know anything about swordplay!" 

"And yet I disarmed you. Easily. Makes sense."

"Excuse you--!" 

"No thanks, I'll stay." Ignoring Roman's offended noises, I turn to Thomas. "Now  _ Thomas _ ." I smile at him, baring my fangs as I do so, and I see him and Roman both take an inadvertent step backwards. "We're going to have a little  _ chat _ ."

"Get away from Thomas you--" Roman shrieks as I disarm him again, knocking his katana far further away this time, and pressing the tip of my blade to his neck. Thomas lets out a small noise, and I smile brighter. 

"Let's begin!" I tilt my head innocently at him. "So Thomas, I'm rather  _ concerned _ for your safety. You've been putting yourself in all  _ sorts  _ of dangerous situations, you see. You never seem to listen to me when I tell you something's a bad idea. You've  _ never  _ listened." 

Thomas swallows, glancing at the dot of red on Roman's neck. 

"I'd like you to listen please, Thomas. Or I'm afraid I'll have to  _ make  _ you listen."

"Are you threatening  _ Thomas _ ?!?" Roman demands. 

"I'm not threatening him. I'm just… making him a promise. So, what do you say?" 

"...You'll never get away with this." Thomas whispers. 

"I'm not 'getting away with anything', Sanders. I'm just doing my job."

"You're--" 

I wave a lazy hand at Roman, putting up a barrier to separate him from us. 

I smile at Thomas once again, gently this time, ignoring Roman's pounding on the shield. 

"You know, Thomas, I'm so  _ tired _ . And there's so much energy…" I shiver, feeling it surge through me, feeling my form shudder around it, trying to contain the sheer strength. "I couldn't control it if I  _ tried _ . And… I don't think I  _ want  _ to."

I smile as the energy flows out, relaxing for the first time in forever as Thomas's breathing quickens. 

"This feels  _ much _ better. You know… I  _ tried  _ Thomas. I really did. I tried to hold back. I tried to strike a balance between keeping you  _ alive _ and keeping you from spending every waking moment  _ terrified _ . But I'm so tired of trying. I was going against my  _ function _ to make you  _ happy _ , and you just got  _ mad _ at me. No, I'm done with that. From here on, I'm doing my job, and nothing else." I step forward and smile softly. "I'm going to keep you  _ safe _ . And if that means I have to give you a panic attack, if it means I have to  _ make _ you see all the danger I see, if it means I have to take full control… Well.  _ So be it. _ "

I walk over to Thomas, snatching control and forcing him to still. I drag him to the couch, sitting him in my lap and trapping him there. 

"It's  _ dangerous _ outside Thomas. There are so  _ many _ things that could hurt you! What if there's someone waiting to stab you?" I hiss to him, arms wrapped tight, a little too tight, I know, around his chest. "Just curl up and wait until the sun goes away, Thomas.  **Now** ."

He makes a small noise of distress as suitably terrifying images flash through his mind, courtesy of Remus, but I force him to do as I say. I start to hum softly, a grin spreading over my face as the energy churning inside is  _ finally _ released, is finally put to good use. 

"Ahh…" I sigh in relief, pulling him backwards, forcing him to lean against me, and the way he shudders, tensing and struggling to get away, it's  _ delightful _ . 

"P-please." He whimpers, curling up and hiding his face away, and I can  _ feel  _ the power settling. I'm  _ fulfilling my function _ . "Anxiety please!! Stop!" 

"...N **o** ." I smile languidly at him, letting the tempest tongue slip in. So  _ what _ if it terrifies him? I'm just doing my  _ job _ . " **I don't think I will, actually. And it's not Anxiety. It's Paranoia.** "


End file.
